David's Mum's story

David’s mum’s journey from lockdown, a dementia diagnosis to friendship

Since the death of my father, my mother has lived with me. This arrangement was ideal, as it allowed me to provide a level of care for my mother. During the early years this was very much at ‘arm’s length’, but as time progressed, she became more dependent on me. Whereby the later years and months, she became totally dependent.

As my mother is registered disabled, there were often times when I was required to help with her mobility. As time progressed and mobility declined, my mother could not go anywhere without my assistance, consequently, wherever she went, so did I.

Then in 2020, four days before the COVID-19 lockdown, my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease / Dementia. They say ‘timing is everything’, and indeed, the time of the diagnosis could not have been at a worse time. For at the same time, my mother’s church closed for good; although the congregation had moved to another church in the area, the loss for her focal point, her rock, had affected her. A few of her friends had passed away, and of the two school friends that were still alive, she could not have contact, on the account that they were not able to speak or hear her on the telephone, due to their own difficulties.

It was clear that due to these events, she was experiencing some emotional shock. Not being able to go out, not being able to socialise with her friends, but also not being able to go to meet friends at the church and knowing that it had just closed, all together with knowing that she had been diagnosed with dementia.

As time progressed, and lock down continued, it was evident that my mother was struggling. Yes, family and friends would telephone, and I would accompany her for short walks, but the imposed isolation was taking its toll. I had a concern that without the appropriate stimulation and human interaction, my mother’s condition would deteriorate at some speed.

Yes, I was at home and was offering some level of stimulation, for example playing Scrabble, Cards, and other games etc, and my mother was able to keep herself busy with crosswords, code breakers and the like, but conversation and social interaction was very much ‘businesslike’. As with all humans, whatever their age, we all have a story to tell. The trouble was, I had heard my mother’s story so many times or was the centre of one (or more) of those stories. It was evident that our interactions were very much based on practicalities, daily life and everyday functioning.

Hence contact was made with one of the support workers from our local memory clinic, where I asked for some appropriate support and assistance.

We were advised to contact Age Cymru and the befriending team. Needless to say, once the initial introductions were concluded, my mother eventually looked forward to the volunteer calling. Initially there was some hesitation, and caution, with my mother asking ‘why is this lady calling me?’ and ‘who is she, and what does she want?’, but after repeatedly explaining to my mother, that I had arrange for the calls, it was someone else (other than me), that she could talk to, she came round and accepted and after time looked forward to the calls.
As my mother got used to her volunteer, it was clear that a relationship was forming. As time progressed, knowing that a call was expected, my mother would get herself ready, settled and wait for it; demonstrating that she looked forward to it.

Although I would not impose on her time, or listen in to her calls, I would pop in occasionally with a cup of tea and hear some of her conversation. I can recall quite vividly one such time, where she was telling the story of her family, and her parents. The times during the war, when her father moved the family nearer the church, because he knew the enemy would not bomb the church as it was a landmark. This heartened me, as not only was my mother able to tell her story, but she was interacting with someone who was interested in that story. Actions that not only help stimulate my mother’s memory, but also brought those memories back to the forefront of her mind.

There were several other occasions like this, different family stories, different experiences, all being retold, and in fairness, this made me feel quite content. Selfishly, I felt that she had someone to talk to, and it wasn’t me.

Due to her disabilities, she became dependent on me, where I became her full-time carer. Social services and a care agency became involved, assisting my mother with personal care, and I had a sitter for twice a week, so that I could get out and shop, and grab a coffee. I was also able to get to my allotment for a short while.

As expected, as time progressed my mother’s illness started to take hold more, and her mental health took a decline. As anticipated my mother would repeat herself frequently, become very unsure of herself and her surroundings, and call and look for me.

As with all humans, our worst times are when we sit and dwell. Our ability to ‘worry’ and ‘fret’ always seems to become heightened when we are still, quiet and not being stimulated. Hence this was why I tried to have some form of activity for her most days.

So, when my mother received her weekly friendship call, I knew she would be occupied, engaged and static, for a while, giving me a chance to get on with a few jobs. Yes, in fairness, I took advantage of these moments as a brief period of respite for me, and to be fair, I welcomed the calls too.

I think it’s fair to say that most of us take human contact and human interaction for granted, albeit a casual ‘Thanks drive’ when getting off the bus, a quick exchange at the check-out, or meeting up with family and friends for a ‘natter’ and a ‘cuppa’. These interactions happen as a matter of course, and have a natural frequency, as we make our way through our daily lives.

However, for those of us who are prevented, by one form or another, to access the contact and company of others, brings on a range of emotional difficulties and problems. For example, self-worth and self-fulfilment together with confidence and emotional strength, each necessary to support our emotional wellbeing and our ability to function.

Hence the fundamental importance of contact, communication, and dialogue with others.

As a witness of the importance of regular meaningful contact and someone who has benefited from the ‘respite’ this contact has provided, I am eternally grateful for the support and service offered from Age Cymru. Because, on analysis, the interaction offered by the team and their volunteers to people who do not have opportunities to ‘meet and mingle’ or to leave their homes to interact with others, is vital, and should not be underestimated.

Thank you for being there.